For the past three years or so, they’ve been building this funny little stand affair at Solihull Borough. It’s opposite the Main Stand and for the last couple of years has consisted of a concrete base and a back wall. Well, for this season they’ve pushed the boat out and added two side walls. I reckon I may well live to see them put a roof on it. In a somewhat celebratory mood, I decided to take my usual place in front of this assembly of random bricks until, just after kick off, I received a text from Legal Bluenose who informed me he was at the burger bar, requesting my presence. Off I toddled…
What a veritable cornucopia of message board types awaited! – there was Legal, Bluenose Mo, Number 8, Mrs Number 8 and a couple of little number 4s. We shared notes on our shared experience of a sad and lonely existence on various Blues websites and messages boards. This report, then, is brought to you by the combined minds of this all-star line-up, plus a couple more internet warriors:
Blues started the game with a strong team including Clemence, Anderton and Morrison. Various other luminaries were in attendance, Number 8 reporting that he’d seen Rifle Pandiani and his two little Number 4s had had their photo taken with the ever-obliging Brucey. As far as I’m aware, this is the first time we’ve had a Brucey Watch By Proxy on one of these reports. Another first for you, dear reader.
Blues started the game very brightly, played some lively passing football and, as you’d expect with a relatively experienced team against a bunch of kids, took the lead quite early. 13 minutes, and a through ball find Clinical Clint. His first shot is blocked but he regains possession to slot the ball home.
Six minutes later and Blues go 2-0 up with a fine goal. A corner from Kilkenny is driven straight across to Anderton, lurking unmarked outside the area. Anderton meets the ball and crashes in a delightful volley from 25yards.
Blues are in cruise control, it’s one way traffic and so Legal decides it’s time to look out for the Jailbait Parade. For those unfamiliar with reserve games; you get a lot closer to the players, quite a few of whom turn out to watch. This phenomena attracts a flood of scantily clad schoolgirls, anxious to bag a young trophy footballer boyfriend. In turn, the parade of jailbait acts as a severe distraction for poor Legal. Tonight’s Jailbait Parade was quite disappointing, considering what a warm and pleasant evening it was. Eventually, Legal was to go home early for a Silverside Casserole prepared by his good lady wife Sam, who texted him to inform him the casserole was (and I quote) bostin’.
32 minutes and,… It’s the first sighting of a Sockatye on the leg of some young lad! Noticeably, the players can’t be arsed to wear these ridiculous accoutrements, just the kids, who have doubtless been pressurising their poor parents to buy these ‘must have’ items of tat! Meanwhile, Bluenose Mo kindly offers to buy us all a soft drink from the burger bar.
The Number 8 family are in fine fettle – Mrs 8 is struggling to contain the two lively and delightful little No4s who are having a great time playing ‘chase me’ games. Number 8, with lofty disdain, concentrates on the game, in fact he actually sees Sunderland pull a goal back via their bustling and tricky forward David Dowson, which, he informs me, followed a defensive mix-up. I didn’t see it, I was too busy looking at one of the number 4s who’d fallen over and hurt his hand.
Within a minute, it’s 2-2. I saw this one. A fairly aimless ball sees stand-in left back Sam Alsop get in a dreadful tangle trying to dribble the ball out of defence. Again, it’s Dowson who pounces, takes the ball, advance on Doyle’s goal and finish well. So, Sunderland have had two shots and scored two goals. Hurrah! footie is back and Blues are back!
A few minutes later, yet another defensive cock up sees Dowson steaming through on goal, having been given the ball by a Blues defender (Blake, I think). This time Doyle gets down well and blocks the shot. Poor Doyle is shouting angrily at his absent defence.
Half time comes, Number 8 and family go home in order to get the kids off to bed, Mrs 8 is dreading a potential bedwetting episode. Whether she predicts this to come from the kids or Number 8 himself is unclear.
Early in the second half and Blues retake the lead. It’s another belter of a goal, this time from the ever-impressive Matt ‘Bugsy’ Birley who picks up a loose ball on the edge of the box, dribbles past three defenders and pops the ball home. Bugsy’s playing on the left wing, as he did towards the end of last season. He seems equally happy on either flank and is definitely one for the near future. In midfield, Anderton and Clemence are keeping things pretty tight, with Kilkenny given a roving role, sometimes popping up in the back 4, other times going through for a shot on gaol, one attempt to lob the keeper is particularly worthy of mention.
Sunderland don’t really have a lot to offer. Dowson’s worth a mention and also Ben Christensen who looks solid and skilful in defence. Legal and I have moved to stand by the dugouts and what a fine decision that turns out to be – Sunderland’s coach keeps us all hugely entertained with a stream of voluble and generally useless advice shouted to his bemused young players. Such gems as ‘don’t get tackled’ to a bloke who’s just been dumped on his arse, or ‘stand still’ to a defender who’s got two forwards closing on him are ably supported by frequent shouts of ‘pass the ball’ (what a revolutionary idea!) or simply ‘run’. If only I’d paid; he alone would have been worth the admission fee.
Legal and I are standing by a chap, whose name I know not, but who has come with his very pleasant family and recognises us! Quite the little celebrities we are! We offer to sell him our autographs for a fiver but he strangely declines our offer. I’m sorry I never got your name mate, but good luck in your telecoms project management business and, if you’re reading this whilst supposedly ‘working from home’, GET YER BLEEDIN’ HEAD DOWN, YOU SHIRKER!!!
Legal goes home to his casserole and I drift towards the exit, in order to effect an easy getaway at the final whistle. On the way out, I find myself following Rifle Pandiani who’s signing autographs and getting accosted by people who want to take their picture with him on their mobile phones. I look out into the car park. Sadly, Rifle is not driving an articulated lorry, just a BMW.
Standing by the exit, some bloke comes up to me and asks ‘are you IPFreely’. I sheepishly affirm that I am, and ask who he is. Turns out it’s Niebieski (spelling?) off various Blues message boards, further turns out he and I went to the same school at the same time, although, of course, he’s not quite as old as me (but then who is?). We watch the last few minutes together and have a chat.
Sunderland finish the game with a bit of a flourish. Anderton’s running on empty. Sunderland win a series of corners and a few free kicks in dangerous places. Blues defend these 900% better than anything they’d managed in the first half and hang on for a deserved win. I go home, pour a large Laphroiag, sit down and type all this crap.
Goodnight!
Blues: Doyle, Blake, Alsop, Howell, Asa Hall (Mark Hall 55), Kilkenny, Clemence, Anderton, Birley, Barrowman (Till h/t), Morrison (Wright 80). Subs not used: Legzdins, Cottrill.
Sunderland: Carson, Taylor, D. Smith, Christensen, Hartley, Martin, Davison, Richardson, Dowson, Allan, Dennehy. Subs: Chapman, Backhouse, Weir, Smith, Connolly.