Sorry... with it being such a hectic weekend, I'd already prepared a draft version of a joint report for these two games at home to Burnley and away at Barnsley. There's been such a delay in me writing this because I put my PC on Blues to beat Burnley and my house on Blues to beat Barnsley, so I'm currently living in the alleyway alongside Wasim's on the Stratford Road and I've had to beg for two days to raise funds to get internet access in Sparkbrook.
I mean, these were two givens weren't they? After a bit of a stumble, Blues had bounced back after the international break with a fine victory over Coventry, and surely they'd push on from that now against two teams with the collective talent of Shrewsbury Town's Reserves?
Well, no - Burnsley were too good for them. I mean, seriously, do we not want promotion? Obviously not.
Here's a ten step guide to blowing promotion:
1) Change a winning team - and a team that won comfortably.
Ok, so Stephen Clemence was injured, so there needed to be an enforced change, but everything (and I mean pretty much everything) worked so well against Coventry, so why did Gary McSheffrey have a divine right to return to the team after his suspension? Seriously, before his suspension he'd been Blues' weak link as it was. I can remember one good game he's had in 2007, and that was away at Newcastle in the Cup, which obviously yielded no points, being a Cup game and all. Apart from that his contribution has been pretty poor, and following a great performance against Coventry, there was no need to bring him back, put Rowan Vine up front, drop Cameron Jerome, change everything, just to accommodate a big/long name.
2) Build up a poor centre half to believe he's Franco Baresi.
Martin Taylor. Ok, it's time someone said it - he has not improved. He is playing at a lower level. That's all. In the Premiership he was always "ok" but looked ropey at times when he tried to be clever. Now he looks slightly better than "ok" for 85 minutes of the game, but still thinks he's Baresi, Beckenbauer, Bocanegra [insert name of splendid ball-playing centre half whose name begins with B] for the other 5 minutes and ends up either a), nearly costing Blues, or b) actually costing Blues. Before he absolutely gifted Burnley their winner at St Andrews, several times he had stupidly attempted to play himself out of trouble and come close to causing a disaster. He thinks he's clever, but he's stupid. He wins tackles, headers and makes interceptions - fair play to him, but there's thousands of centre halves around the country who do that. The key to a good player at the back (goalkeepers included) is not making mistakes. If you have one who is good for 89 minutes, but then does something stupid, you may as well not have him at all. It's a waste. Ask Darren Purse. I'm sorry if people think this is harsh, but I don't see that Taylor has improved at all, and so to reward him with a lucrative new contract the day before the Easter period was, in my mind, naive. No one should be getting such deals now. None of them have achieved a thing yet. Why reward someone like that? If we go up, we're stuck with a lumbering error-prone centre half for three years in the Premiership, and if we don't we're stuck with a lumbering error-prone centre half for three years in the Championship. Happy days. At least we've got a two year option on him. He hasn't improved - he's just got lesser players up against him. He still managed to gift household name Jon Spicer of European giants Burnley a goal though, after threatening to do the same all game. He does it every game too. Watch him, and he does stupid things in every game.
3) Put someone in central midfield who's not played there this season.
So, we're chasing the game against Burnley, and Seb Larsson who has either played wide right, wide left or bench warmer all season is thrown into central midfield. Nothing against him at all, but why? We've thrown forwards onto the pitch in the hope that more strikers on pitch = more goals, but we've shoved Larsson inside for just about the only time this season, and certainly the only time at such a crucial point in a game. Why? We took away a threat down the right by doing so, disrupted the team again, and it achieved nothing. Again.
4) Take off your best player.
If Nicklas Bendtner had been so far worse than anyone else in a game you're losing 1-0, I still wouldn't take him off. Why would you? Anyone who says he's not our most gifted footballer is wrong. If he hasn't touched the ball for 89.59 minutes, and Cameron Jerome has run at people all day, who would you rather have a chance fall to at the death? Bendtner, clearly. I can only think that the decision to replace Bendtner with Jerome against Burnley was down to the fact that Bruce sees them both as strikers only, and so to get Jerome on, he had to sacrifice Bendtner. That's stupid though. When chasing a game Bendtner's worth having on the pitch if he's at left-back, right wing, wherever. Why would you take the only player who can create something out of nothing off? Why would you take arguably your best finisher off? Why would you take a man winning every ball in the air up front off? (Before seeing that Jerome was crap in the air, again, and so putting Jaidi up front). Why would you take Bendtner off? It defies belief.
5) Pick a team with the balance of a one man seesaw.
So, to Barnsley, and what do you do? You go mad. Ok, Sadler and Larsson were out for whatever reasons. If you're playing a proper team, that's your left-back and right winger who need replacing. So, let's replace the left-back with a right-back, yeah? And who shall we get to replace the right winger? The centre forward who's been playing wide left lately, yeah? Good idea. That way we can play a centre half at right-back too. Good stuff this. I have nineteen words for you. "Middlesbrough at home last season Tebily central midfield Clemence wide left Jarosik up front crazy madness lost the plot".
6) Drop said best player.
Meanwhile, not content with taking said best player off when chasing the game against a Burnley side who until recently had failed to win for 19 consecutive games, the decision was now made not to even start with said best player against a team who have shipped more goals than just about anything in shipping history. Instead, Jerome is again preferred, obviously on the back of his couldn't-trap-a-dead-mouse-in-a-corner-with-a-mousetrap-plus-a-net-plus-state-of-the-art-mousecatching-equipment cameo performance against Burnley. Again, quality decision. Perhaps it was Jerome's excellent goals per game ratio this season? Sorry, but with 6 games to go in a tight promotion race is not the time to start messing about and picking people on a whim that "today might be their day". Bendtner is a million times better than Jerome, and to not pick him is criminal at this time of the season. As for those people who seem to be paid to get the words "Bendtner" and "lazy" into a sentence as many times in 90 minutes as they can, well, I can only presume they've never watched Michael Owen, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Thierry Henry, Didier Drogba, Andriy Shevchenko, Ronaldo (the fat one who used to be good), Adriano, David Villa, Samuel Eto'o, Alan Shearer, Gary Lineker, or, dare I say it, Blues' own Andy Cole. (I mean in the past, obviously not since he's been here.) I think you get my point, and if you don't, go get a "Bendtner You Lazy ****" t-shirt printed and wear it to Preston for the final game we'll ever see one of the hottest properties in world football play for us.
7) Ignore football.
Blues played long ball football too much at Barnsley, and with DJ Campbell and Cameron Jerome up front, well, that's about as effective as an argument that a man who'd been dead for three days with nails banged into his hands and feet, hanging on a cross could come back to life. I'm not one of these people who has "hoof" and "ball" tattooed across each set of knuckles after last season who now believes that Blues will play nothing else until the second coming of Christ, as they have got it out of their system a lot this year, but it was back at Barnsley. Surprisingly Blues did win a few balls in the air when Bendtner came on. Who'd have thought it? Crazy idea, like, but why not put balls down the channels in behind the defence for Campbell and Jerome, and then if that's not working, hit balls at Bendtner whose heading and control brings people into the game? You know, it might be an idea?
8) Fail to try and bring any balance to the team.
Why didn't Julian Gray start at left-back? He's the only person in the history of football to have marked current best player in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo, out of a game. He's also left-footed, quick, athletic and not as bad as people think. Also, after the Burnley defeat, you know you have to win against a Barnsley side so weak that Ecclesthwaite Hall Under 7's had beaten them in a behind closed doors friendly last week, so why not have a go? I don't mean randomly picking Rowan Vine anywhere because "he's a striker and so it looks well attacking if I have loads of strikers on the pitch". I mean giving it some thought (not much thought) and picking an attack-minded, left-footed, fit player who has played left-back well before at left-back? Granted, this could be under number 5) above, but that's passed now, and we're into the Barnsley game. Why not bring Gray on? During the first half? At half-time? Not right near the bloody end though. He'd have provided balance, pace, energy, a left-foot other than McSheffrey's current imitation of one and at least a variation on the "only strikers can attack" theme. No though, don't be silly, let's leave him out.
9) Forget your success.
Blues won 193 games in a row before Christmas to surge to the top of the league. The team had balance, was rarely changed, and people knew their roles. There was no madness. Why have we changed that, for God's sake?
10) Bottle it.
People are bottling it. Everyone. The staff, players, everyone. They only have themselves to blame. Blues made sloppy mistakes in both these games that cost goals, and credit to the aforemocked Spicer and Daniel Nardiello, they both took them well. Burnley and Barnsley both made enough mistakes between them too, but did Blues take advantage? No. Would Jerome, Vine, Campbell, McSheffrey (on current form) or anyone else have taken both of the above chances that Spicer and Nardiello took? Well, I have no idea, but I'd hover towards the "No" camp myself, and I'm not talking about the helicopter rides around the Barcelona ground.
Time for some more ranting...
It is criminal that Sunderland are now five points clear of Blues after Blues have taken four points of them this season. It is criminal that Blues are four points behind Derby having beaten them twice this season. Blues have beaten Albion, Cardiff, Preston, etc, etc, but they come up against poor teams and they lose time and again. How many times can Steve Bruce say "that's the thing with this division, the anyone can beat anyone else"? No one seemed to be able to beat us not so long ago? No one seems able to beat Sunderland anymore? People often raise with me the fact that I call these teams "poor", "dross", "crap" or whatever, but they are at this level. There's 24 teams in this league, and some are pretty rubbish - that's why they're near the bottom. Look at Norwich's position and consider the fact that they've beaten Blues twice this season. Look at Southend's position and consider the fact that they won at St Andrews. Look at Burnley's position and consider the fact that they won at St Andrews. Look at Barnsley's position and consider that they beat Blues. Look at Leeds' position and consider that Blues lost to them. Look at Ipswich's position and consider Blues' haul of one point against them over two games. Look at Leicester's position and consider Blues' sensational home draw against them. Look at Hull's position and consider Blues' humiliation at the hands of Dean Windass at the KC Stadium. Hell, look at Luton's perilous position and consider that Blues earned one point against them this season with an injury time goal at home.
Three or four or even five of the above results over a season are unfortunate, but they happen. Manchester United lost at Portsmouth. These things happen. The above takes into account twelve, yes TWELVE times that Blues have dropped points against nine of the bottom eleven clubs. Yes, they've done well against the top clubs, but constantly under-performing against the poorer teams is going to get you nowhere, and it's beginning to look like the play-offs is the best Blues can hope for now, which is shocking considering results against the "big" clubs.
Yes, Blues had loads of chances in the second half against Barnsley, but do me a favour - one second half out of all the inept performances referred to above does not an unlucky team make. An unprepared team, well, maybe. An unmotivated team, well, even more so, possibly. There's no excuse for so many inept performances against teams that get turned over every other week by the likes of Colchester, Stoke and Crystal Palace. A few out of 46 games, well yeah, fair enough, it happens, get on with it, but this is no accident now. Something's wrong somewhere. I'm neither anti-Bruce or pro-Bruce, as I try to see things reasonably and I think too many people don't, but it does get to a point where you have to question what is happening to bring about such a set of results - or what's not happening, as the case is more likely to be.
Anyway, I still go back to what Stephen Clemence said after the home victory against QPR to a packed exectuive suite, which I mentioned at the time: "If we blow this now, we deserve shooting." Well, get those NRA membership applications in, lads.