Health & Safety Eh? .. SkyDaz Article

Last updated : 23 October 2008 By SkyDaz

And I can say homo because this is an era article. I could even say 'gay' if I wanted. Back then you could say 'gay' and no one took offence. Except the gays. In fact they probably didn't, it was more likely to upset the do-gooders and the PC Brigade than anyone else.

But times move on even though some things stay the same, the Blues still flatter to deceive and the Villa still think they are better than Man United, Chelsea and Nelson Mandela.

Time ages though and oh my giddy aunt does the Main Stand look old? Trade Descriptions should make a court order to get it re-named immediately. There is nothing 'Main' about the Main Stand. It is a wonder of the modern world akin to the Pyramids, Stonehenge and the attraction of Canadian rock muppets Nickelcrap that it is even still standing.

There are areas of it that are similar to the scary cellars of Freddie Krueger's Elm Street.

Fortunately it is no longer used as a changing area for the players. In previous seasons some teams have opted to put on their kit in their own cars rather than chance the ramshackle shed beneath the fire hazard known as the Main Stand.

I have had the honour of working for the local media and the dubious task of reporting from the wooden benches allocated to the world's finest journalists. Once it took me ten minutes to plug in the string that led to the tin can that acted as the media conduit with outside world. And once (and this bit is true!) because I had a mobile phone I had to surrender my pitch and radio plug in slot in order that Jonathan Pearce could continue with his Outside Broadcast whilst I relied upon the wonders of struggling to get a signal despite all the masts at the Tilton End.

It must be high time the club made the right decision to either condemn it and demolish or completely renovate. This decision should be taken before the local council health and safety nobby turns up with a clipboard in hand and declares the place a deathtrap.

In certain countries it is illegal to bury electrical wires within walls. Obviously the electricians employed in the construction of the Main Stand were from one of these countries. The staircases are so narrow that C list celebrities like Anne Diamond would polish both walls on the way up. And down.

It is exceptionally brave of the club to annually hold a fireworks display anywhere near the tinder box. Full respect to the hardy souls who believe themselves flammable. Or is it inflammable? Either way like Captain Scarlett they don't believe the stray fireworks will exocet towards the crowd. They said the same at the Molineux!

So in these days of being sued for farting loudly or bumping into another car gossamer style it can only be a question of time before the lawyers deem the threat of being in court too risky to allow anyone into the Main Stand.

All this can only conclude in the owners declaring a need to spend heavily on the ground thus precluding the desire to spend heavily on the playing staff. 'Sorry Eck, we were going to give you £x million but instead have had to rewire the Main Stand and make it habitable for the wretched fans who have the audacity to expect a modern sporting arena. Can't have both'.

Keep right on. It's a conspiracy I tells you. Just don't sit in the Main Stand. Ask Abraham Lincoln. Sometimes it's best to sit amongst the crowd!