SkyDaz Newcastle Utd Preview

Last updated : 27 April 2006 By Darren Porter

And now the end is near. And so I face the final curtain. Or something like that. By around a quarter to five on Saturday we should be a little closer to knowing our destiny. We should know if it's a trip to Roots Hall or Old Trafford that awaits us.

It's not very often I pick on an individual, I'm far too diplomatic for that. I've never demanded the head of the manager or criticised a player but that is about to change. Kevin Kyle I hate you with a passion. You are a great big lumbering dumbass. Not only did you go clean through and amble up the pitch with your team prepared for an amazing away win at Pompey and promptly take half an hour to get the ball under control but in the last minute you handled when the ball was going nowhere to give away a penalty. Why? I drop to my knees and plead with you to answer as to why you felt the need to reach out with your arm. That draw would have kept us in the ideal position but now you gave the advantage away to Pompey. You. Kyle. You gave it away. If we go down it is your fault and I for one will boo you mercilessly whenever we play you. You. Kevin Bloody Kyle.

You're a big bloke so I probably should add that I am not a violent person and come the next time we play you I may have forgotten the above. But at the moment I'm a tad miffed. You need to know.

The match at Everton had nil nil all over it. Why I didn't head to the bookies with my life savings and plant the lot on a scoreless draw I don't know. Only Phil Neville looked like breaking the deadlock. He tried to help us and we should be grateful. Shame it was Neville tasked with popping in the own goal. Our players would have made a better job of it.

The changing scoreline at Fratton Park had us experiencing the full gamut of emotions. From running round the room with my shirt over my head to conceding that a draw was alright as it kept us out the bottom three to completely losing my head because of that Kyle fella.

It all comes down to the next two games. Newcastle and Bolton for us and Wigan and Liverpool for ‘Arry The Twitch. You would think the majority of fans would be rooting for us to stay up. Surely they don't want another season of the tattooed man in his stupid Abraham Lincoln hat ringing that infernal bell. Surely not?

Notice I am completely ignoring the hopes of the Albion. It's better that way.

The clowns from Lozells were telling me that strictly speaking they were not safe. But only if we won 86-0 and they lost by a similar score. You would think by now they were able to breathe a sigh of relief rather than fretting. For some reason they seem incapable of enjoying the moment. We know we would!

Newcastle and Bolton are two winnable games but we have been saying that since late August. The worst feeling now is that we could win both and still be relegated. Relegation isn't so bad. The majority of us have been there before and know it hurts but come August we will all be back fired up for the new season and once again ready to Keep Right On.

We have to learn from the mistakes made this season regardless of where we end up. That is as a club. Not us the supporters. We didn't kick a ball. Actually I kicked one and got in trouble and not for the first time this season. It seems to be my middle name! Strange name.

It's been a funny old season personally following the dramatic and surprising elevation to the much coveted position of Stadium Announcer. I know there has been some rumblings, ‘that new guy isn't popular' as said at the Forum. For those that I offended along the way I apologise. For those who are embarrassed by my half time shenanigans, I'm sorry. Most of all though, to those of you who were supportive and wrote messages of good luck and kept me going I am eternally grateful. I would love to still be in front of you all next season but that decision will be made on high and I have to just keep my fingers crossed.

Thanks to Brian at and Dave Thomas, Made in Brum, for publishing these ramblings and making me feel like a journalist and thanks to Perry and Anji for giving me the chance of a lifetime. Cheers all, see you next season. Keep the faith.

Keep right on. Have a good summer, take a holiday, you deserve it.