Barclays Premiership
Birmingham City v Middlesbrough
26th December 2004 at 15:30
SkyDaz Preview
Well the Baggies were a bit of a disappointment. They should have come to St Andrews full of the self preservation of a drowning man, ready to battle for their lives rather than roll over and have their bellies tickled from the very first minute.
If they had put up sterner opposition it would have allowed all the St Andrews moaners and dissenters to have their regular weekend fix. Scoring in the first few minutes must have caused great angst amongst the miserable sods and being three up at half time would have made them get up and leave, ‘I’m not staying to watch this, I could be Christmas shopping’
Memo to David Dunn: Watch an Arsenal match! Then perhaps when hacked down in the penalty area you will roll around in mock agony and secure the opportunity of a free shot at goal from twelve yards rather than jump to your feet and try and score legitimately. The referee is not allowed to let you play on until you feel you have wasted the chance and then bring it back for a penalty with an ‘unlucky son’ pat on the head.
This has happened before, away at Southampton, and, whilst I admire the quaint concept of fair play, give me a penalty any day of the week. Burnt Arse clearly hacked Dunn’s legs from under him and the referee was poised to be the centre of attention when Dunn sprung back to his feet and denied Riley some quality spot pointing. He didn’t have long to wait for his moment in the spotlight as Albion must have felt they had missed out on the action and made another noble attempt to provide Blues with an early goal by dragging down Morrison. Now there’s a player who knows how to win a penalty. Purse fouled him, pulled his shirt and down he went with a pleading look on his face and arms outstretched like an Exeter goal celebration (just don’t tell anyone at Manchester United). Poor old Purse tried in vain to plead his innocence but his cause was tarnished by the fact he looked like Dracula leaving the crypt with the evidence all over his chin.
In hindsight the battle had already been won at this point in the game. Pursey had taken a battering off someone big up front and instead of getting in a ‘leveller’ he allowed himself to be pulled all over the pitch by the rejuvenated strike force of Heskey and Morrison. The second goal was memorable when Morrison’s pained strut towards the bench, clutching his ‘badly’ injured face was interrupted when it was pointed out that the ball was heading in his direction. The goal celebration involved a quick sprint to the bench for a swift wipe with a damp cloth and I’m sure his injury was no worse than Mellberk’s optical wound i.e. non-existent!
The third strike was a clinical finish by Heskey from Dunn’s astute defence splitting pass. It was great to see both strikers get their names in print and hopefully will be the start of a serious collaboration. The January transfer window is looming and since the Albino’s departure we have been linked with a plethora of target men, from the outrageous (Owen, Morientes) to the Aylotts (Dickov, van Hooijdonkey). The decision now is whether we need to strengthen at this stage.
It is highly probable that we will survive this season, primarily as there are at least three teams worse than the Blues. Perm any three from Albion, Southampton, Norwich, Palace, Fulham, Blackburn and Villa (ha!). I understand that the cover for strikers is paper thin but we either plunder a load of cash in a desperate purchase now that may be over the odds or we take a chance with what we have got, maybe add a war horse (Dickov) and then buy wisely in the summer.
The fourth goal was a deflection and only those with either Heskey or Anderton in their Dream Teams care who got the final touch. The crowd barely cheered and the second half was memorable only for the Kanu songs which actually made me laugh. Even the miserable inbreeds who leave early must have had a wry smile at some of those witty ditties. We were denied the chance of applauding the Horse but I am sure some of the ovation at the end was a thank you to Pursey for his defending. Just when the doom and gloom merchants were preparing their ‘I told you so’ speeches we get bailed out by the ever reliable Scandinavian goalkeeper and an old terrace favourite.
I know you are all reading this swiftly to get to the Dullard fan watch. The early goal took the majority of the fight out of him although the regulars, DJ and Tebily, received their traditional diatribe. There were two moments when I wanted to stand up and thank him for the material he unwittingly provides amongst the occasions when I wish I was tough enough to stand up and hit him. Unfortunately for me I fight like Charles Hawtrey out of the Carry On films! You know the little weedy one with the NHS glasses!
The first involved a tussle between Robbie and Koumas which led to the Baggie being booked. Dullard stood up and shouted ‘Just twat him one Robbie he’s only Welsh!’
The second moment was not particularly humorous but underlines why he is an ignorant moron. At four nil up with a few minutes to go the Albion winger takes Tebily on and skirts past him before he is cobbled by Cunningham. Dullard screams at Tebily that he should have took his opponent out on the halfway line. But surely executing this action would only have provoked Dullard to scream abuse at Tebs along the lines of ‘What are you doing? We’re four nil up you thick tw*t’.
The leaving early debate seems to be all the rage at the moment. Everyone has different opinions on the pros and cons of departing before the end. For what it is worth here’s my take on the subject.
Football is an expensive form of entertainment. Why bother to pay out so much money if you then don’t stay until the end of the show? Would you walk out of Hamlet before the end and wait until reading the paper the next day to find out who cops it at the end? If the performance by the players has been so bad that you wish to show your discontent do you really believe that players in the middle of a battle scene are conscious of your feelings because you got up and left?
What is so important that you have to leave before the final whistle? Did you leave the chip pan on? Is your wife going to leave you if you get home five minutes later than normal? Also, does leaving five minutes early really allow you to beat the traffic? If you really want to beat the crowds and the traffic without upsetting the people who can’t see as you stumble along the row in the middle of a Blues attack then just leave at half time. Simple.
Boxing Day brings the Smoggies. Manky Middlesboro from what must surely be the dullest radioactive place on this geological curiosity have become a feared side. A decent Premiership season allied to a Blackadder European campaign has suddenly made them fashionable. They have spent a fortune but also cunningly added a few gems of their own through a commendable youth policy.
As with last week’s cowardly conscientious objection to predict the score I will once again refrain from challenging fate. I can’t quite work out whether I am good at this non-prediction malarkey or not! So far all my non-predictions have been right and bizarrely enough I can’t ever see this changing. Feel free to email me your mathematical formulas of how many times I can not predict the score of a match before I am eventually wrong!
In fact email me on any given subject; it might make me feel important, dazporter@msn.com
Hope you all have a Merry Blue Christmas and a prosperous New Year.
Thanks for reading and Keep Right On.