Barclays Premiership
Birmingham City v The Boggies
18th December 2004 at 12:00
SkyDaz Preview
Go on admit it. Never in your wildest dreams did you envisage the match panning out like that. We all thought the Enckleman incident was going to be a twice-in-a-lifetime occurrence consigned to Christmas DVD specials introduced by David Seaman. We were all hoping to be thanking Scandinavia for a victory but thought it would be the mercurial Gronkjaer receiving the plaudits rather than Sorenson and Mellberk.
Talking of mercurial I read a report recently that claimed Kanu was called mercurial by journalists who couldn’t spell ‘crap’!
Due to the fear of us getting a real good seeing to at Villa Park I felt it would be best if I had a quiet Saturday night and prepared professionally for Fanzone in order to deal with all the abuse sure to be thrown in my direction. That way at least my rapier wit would be fresh for any insults hurled. Copious amounts of Guinness and a chicken tikka balti later I felt that I had mustered sufficient courage. In fact on Sunday morning I mustered a lot of other things too. My ring was like the Japanese flag. Pre match nerves perhaps?
In my semi conscious state Sunday morning I agreed to my girlfriend spraying my hair with some kind of blue paint. Another good move to disguise myself in the event of Blues eventually losing to the Orcs from Lozells! The Sky folks were well impressed by the new bouffant, I could tell by the way they pointed and laughed.
In the Sky studios canteen Villa Craig and I ate a nervous breakfast in good spirits although I could still taste balti every time I burped. Nice. I’m sure Craig was eagerly waiting to sit next to me in a small broom cupboard as I oozed Guinness and spices.
As soon as the match started I knew we were going to be ok. The first few challenges were won by boys in blue and the whole team looked up for the fight. The Morrison half chance/ goal was a fantastic moment of top Ealing comedy. I commented at the time it was the kind of goal that if one of your kids let it in during a game of ‘3 and You’re In’ in the back garden you would put the ball back in the shed and berate them for not trying. I still can’t quite fathom out how Sorenson managed to put so much back spin on the ball to ensure it went into the net. Bless him. He was only following tradition.
The second goal was a brilliant piece of counterattacking. When watched from behind the Villa goal you see DJ clear the ball from just outside our penalty area and sprint like a demon to support Morrison. Jlloyd JSamuel jwas jsupposed jto jbe jquick. DJ even had the audacity to muscle him out of the way just to really rub it in. The pull back was superb and Dunn’s finish reminded us of exactly what an attacking midfielder can do. I can still imagine the dullard fan from the Tilton shouting ‘Johnson, that’s crap you’re supposed to pass it to the front post you useless tw*t’!
The rest of the match flew by although the last few minutes were tense as I dreaded a late equaliser. A goal in the ninety fourth minute would have had them feeling like they had won the game. It certainly felt like that for us last year.
Matthew Upson and Kenny Cunningham were Trojan heroes. They gave a lesson in defending, showing guile, passion and timing along with a desire never to be beaten. Clinton Morrison and Emile Heskey pulled the Villa defence all over the pitch and created holes for other players as well as holding the ball up brilliantly when it was played up to them. The last word on the players must be saved for Robbie Savage.
The pony tailed warrior was awesome. He was ubiquitous, he covered every blade of grass, and he hit every tackle like it was his last, won every header and contested every decision. I loved when he kicked the ball out of play and ran towards the mooing masses throwing his arms, claiming the throw in and then stood there as they fell over themselves to stand up and drown in their own spit and bile. Genius. When Robbie plays like that he is invaluable. I said last week that he decides the tempo for the Blues and Sunday he showed his worth. His performance would have reinforced the desire to keep him but also galvanised the covetous admirers to persuade their chairmen that here was a talisman who could transform their existing players into a team simply by following his example. Hopefully he also silenced the doubters in our own ranks.
If all it takes to wind Robbie up is a load of smorgasbord from Mellberk then I’m going to grow a wispy beard and abuse Robbie every week once the Swedish lessons have kicked in. The au pair has already said she can teach me a few things. I can hardly wait.
And onto this week’s match. We have the pleasure of another derby, this time against the lowly Throstles. Their badge may well be a budgie on a stick but as last week showed the form book disappears and respect is due. I managed to get a word with Curbs (that’s Alan Curbishley to you) on the Monday Night Show and he said that the Albion were crap last Saturday. Ok he used different words but I guessed what he meant. But nothing is ever taken for granted when supporting the Blues. The unerring knack of landing a size nine welly in the genitalia is only acceptable due to its repetitive nature. The three points dangle tantalisingly in front of us like a dangly thing, there for the taking. Back to back wins, surely not!
I am fed up of trying to beat fate. I’ve tried reverse psychology and even the old, sparsely used, triple bluff but all to no avail. I have no idea how to tease destiny onto our side so I am going to do the next best thing and not bother. Sorry punters but this week I’m not even going to have the grace to bother predicting a score line. I’m surprised you’re not skint by now anyway.
Finally, give yourself a lift, you deserve it. Get your mobile phone and scroll down the list of names until you come across someone who supports the Villa. Then phone them up and chat about the weather, football, anything really, remember it’s good to talk. That is if you can get any of the buggers to answer the damn thing!
Keep Right On