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By Darren Porter
Last updated : 03 November 2005

So where is it going wrong?

Is it the players?


Maik Taylor – Played superb against Arsenal and reminded us all how good a goalkeeper he is, unfortunately the excellent performance was soiled by him conceding the winning goal in the last ten minutes which had the temerity to take the tiniest deflection. Has conceded other equally soft goals but remains all in all a decent keeper.

Mario Melchiott – Last seen on Dream Team. Contract is up at the end of the season and boy can’t you tell!


Matty Upson – Generally sound but has some delusions of grandeur that can be satisfied by thinking of moving elsewhere. Someone should tell him though that in order to engineer such a move he needs to be playing well.

King Kenny Cunningham – He still reads the game superbly well but unfortunately his brain and his body are starting to get out of synch. It happens to the best of us.

Jamie Clapham / Stan Lazaridis – Our left wing combo have been as threatening as Tinky Winky on Ketamine. Is Clapham a left back? More to the point is Lazaradis?


Jermaine Pennant – Can we please stop him watching Beckham in action? He has started doing that girly run up gait when taking free kicks and also has stopped taking players on preferring instead to pass the ball. All well and good when looking for Owen or Ronaldo but not worth a jot trying to pass to a decommissioned Rifle and an immoveable Force.


Damien Johnson – Bless his little heart. He might not be able to score or actually provide much from an attacking point of view but he works his little Irish legs off.

Nicky Butt – Great promise but needs to look at the league and consider next season. Newcastle reserves beckon if he doesn’t start cajoling his colleagues into better results.


Jiri Jarosik – Gone from playing for Chelsea (occasionally) to nigh on bottom of the league. It must be disorientating for the poor fellow.

Walter Pandiani – Reminds me of Dugarry – in his last season when he had a knee problem and couldn’t be arsed. Only he can answer the question as to why he looks disinterested. Is it a lack of service? Is it the warm English beer and depressing soaps? Are the little hand guns being bullied at some Small Heath primary school?


Mikael Forssell – Still not recaptured the form he had when he came on loan to us. Not even close. It was hoped that even a half fit Force would poach plenty of goals but we are neither getting the ball in the box or giving him anything else to work with.


Emile Heskey – He is a damn fine player but lacks support or service. He must be getting frustrated. I know I am.


Neil Kilkenny – A joy to watch. He is a centre midfield player. Always available always wants the ball always wants to be positive. Play the kid.


David Dunn – Sheer genius but we may as well have bought Stephen Hawkins. Not the one from The Darkness, the other one.


And there are others. Some of them not playing!


We have some very talented players, probably the finest array in many a year. The players are not a team though. Time is running out, the game is afoot.

The Middlesboro line-up. A mistake has been admitted but why try that during a match? At home? Why didn’t one of the players query the tactics? I know if my Sunday manager asked me to play left midfield I would query his logic. My left foot is purely for standing on. My left trainer is as fresh as the day it was bought.

Why against Arsenal was Clapham left wing and Lazaridis left back? Maybe there is a simple explanation. Speed of wingers perhaps? In which case by all means play Stan at left back but play a genuine midfielder in midfield.

I give up. Just hurry up and sort it out.

Keep Right On and don’t have nightmares. In Division One no one can hear you scream.

Birmingham City Match Reports


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