My doctor, who must have got his diploma at the same place that referees do their eye tests, said I had a cold! My wife reckons that he was just being charitable in order to get the consult past the six minute mark and get more money from Medicare.
But despite my nearest and dearest’s prognosis and my wife’s damning statement, I know for a fact that I was dying. I know this because indisputably my past life was flashing before my eyes. It must have been my past life flashing by, because the team I support went to London and out played Arsenal. They deserved to win a game that got them into Europe. Yes that was my Blue team, not my mates claret & blue team. Not some of my other mates who wore Leeds shirts, Liverpool shirts and are now wearing Chelsea shirts and swearing undying love to Peter Osgood. Not their teams, it's my team who are the first English team into Europe.
So I know that it must have been my past life passing before my eyes when we lost to Wigan. It all started with Liam Ridgewell scoring from an offside position. Ridgewell scoring by reacting quickest. Further evidence of delirium in that we never benefit from linesmen missing offside’s. Surely not.
Then, with pun intended, Wigan Cleverley equalised and it all ended with a line from Bohemian Rhapsody (Figueroa) in time added on.
So if I am still seeing my life not so much flash, as crawl agonisingly past my eyes; I would have woken up Sunday to the realisation that we had in fact won and because of that we were now above the Villa and looking good for survival.
But no. I was awoken by my wife slapping my face. Apparently I was moaning and groaning singing bohemian rhapsody "Because It’s easy come, easy go, little high, little low, Galileo, Galileo Figaro I'm just a poor boy from a poor family, Spare my life from this monstrosity, Easy come easy go - will you let me go! NO"
I'm sure there was no need for the wife to keep slapping while I was trying to eat my Weetabix. I have to say the pain was little compared to the stabbing pain in my eyes when I saw the league table. The stabbing pain was in fact my 10-year-olds fork. He hasn't forgiven me for not letting him support Man Utd. I have to say it's a bit hard seeing him going to school wearing his Birmingham City shirt surrounded by mates wearing Queensland Rugby League shirts. Qld have won the Championship here five years in a row! I told him it would build character. His headmistress rang this morning and says she is very worried about the character it’s building. Please I want to wake from the Bolton game singing “We are the champions, We are nearly the champions, Ok we are 14th!”